My Journal

My journal pages are being posted as an example of introspective journaling.

When I created my treatment plan, I did it for myself. I have done and am doing, everything that I ask you to do in the treatment plan. Sometimes I still begin the treatment plan from the beginning and re-read the information that I wrote. I do this because it helps me to keep things in perspective even when life seems to be at it's worst.

There is no cure for bipolar or anxiety disorders. Any form of treatment for symptoms associated with these disorders will need to be ongoing in order to be effective. I still do my journal as part of my ongoing treatment.

My journal has become part of my daily routine.

The statement that I am managing my disorders does not mean that I am all better now, and I can just move on with my life as though I never had bipolar or anxiety disorder. I still struggle with day to day situations and the way that my disorders affect my thoughts, feelings, reactions, and physical well being.

Since my journal is intended to be a form of healthy expression within my personal life, I will be talking about the situations that arise in my real life. I will be sharing my personal thoughts, feelings, events and opinions openly and honestly. But I will be changing names.

In my journal you will see examples of using cognitive therapy and assertiveness skills to solve my daily problems and I will do my best to include a documentary of how I am using my treatment plan throughout the day often. I may not always feel like doing that so you will also see pages in my journal where I am just expressing myself. Sometimes I may just post a link to one of my other blog pages.

I will post my journal in seven day spurts. as I have mentioned in the treatment plan. The first entry happens to begin at a time when my life is in upheaval. please understand that I am human and I have problems just like everyone else. I am managing my symptoms in the midst of every day life as "normal" woman with "normal struggles" so please read my journal keeping that in mind. I hope you enjoy reading! :)

MyJournal August 26, 2009

Today Charlotte and I will be packing to move. I'm scared and excited at the same time. I also feel a little disappointed because I really wanted to be more on my feet before we had to move again.

I am having a really hard time not feeling animosity toward Clint and Georgia for asking us to move because I know the reasoning behind it, and I feel unfairly misjudged.

The facts are though, I love the location here, but I absolutely hate living with Clint and Georgia so the fact that we have to move is a good thing. Also, moving to a new city makes me feel like I have a fresh start so I'm really excited.

We will also have cats like we always wanted, and I will have a new opportunity in a new city. Plus, I love the transit system! I hope it will be a good thing this time around, but I feel a lot of anxiety. I am having to stop and take deep breaths often. Charlotte and I right now are hanging out at the library. Charlotte is on the computer a few feet away from me, and I am writing out the first page of my journal for my website's treatment plan.

We will go shopping for some food that we can prepare quickly so as not to disturb Clint and Georgia before we go home and begin packing. I hate packing. I'm not looking forward to it, but it has to be done.

I will try my best to get as much physical exercise as possible before the bus comes at 4:50 so that it will be easier to sleep tonight. I will do another entry in my journal before bed. Until then I will read some books about bipolar disorder or psychosis.

Before bed:

I read some books at the library and took notes on some subjects that can be added to my site. Charlotte and I were at the store and Clint and Georgia showed up. My good mood quickly changed to a bad one. I have to be honest. I really am angry with them.

When I got home the first thing I noticed was that they had taken the T.V. out of our room. I felt that was petty and pathetic. I spent the rest of the day packing with some short breaks to go online. Imar texted to let me know that he can't help me with a truck. UGH! I will have to figure out how else I can get my things moved.

My anger and stress is making it difficult to wind down. I hope I can sleep tonight.

My Journal August 27, 2009

I had some trouble sleeping last night, and fear that I may have the same problem tonight. Relaxation techniques helped, but didn't do the trick right away.

My anxiety level was very high today because I feel very angry about having to move before I got completely on my feet. There is nothing I can do but get out of here as quickly as possible.

I got a hold of Theresa and she can help me move my things on Saturday. That brought a little relief, but I won't feel completely better until I am out of here!

I can however take some comfort in knowing that I will be busy getting a bus pass tomorrow. Sonya is putting pressure on me to get written letters of reference. Since the people in my life are not jumping at the chance to write a letter for me, her request to have them right away is causing me some anxiety too. But hopefully I can get them to her in time.

I'll be able to to take a couple of bags with me when I go tomorrow on the bus. That will make me feel like I have the ball rolling a bit more.

Time for my relaxation exercises and some sleep!

My Journal August 28, 2009

I did have some trouble sleeping last night, and I didn't really focus on my relaxation techniques like I should have.

I was exhausted when I woke up, and just turned the alarm off and went back to sleep. I finally woke up between 9:00 and 9:30.

When I got online my stats went down. I almost started to get depressed, but then I realized that there must be a reason so I checked Google to see what had changed.

My inbound links had dropped from ten to eight. That is easy enough to fix. I will just focus on getting more links out over the next few days.

I forgot to wake Charlotte up until around 10:45. Which didn't leave her much time to get ready before the bus to Stevenson came at 11:05. That made it a grumpy and rushed morning.

We caught the bus on time, and ended up in Oregon 2 or 3 hours later. It's a long bus ride. I totally forgot to grab some bags to take with us but I'm glad I did because we only had enough time to grab some lunch before Imar showed up and took Charlotte home with him.

I decided it would be best to head home then too. I was right because I got off a stop before I was supposed to, and that set me back , so I didn't have to wait too long before the last bus headed home showed up.

While I was waiting I got some exercise on a staircase at the bus station. There was a bus parked in front of it so I was able to do it without feeling self conscious about being watched.That helped a lot and motivated me to do it a little longer.

When I got home I was informed that all the bags I had packed had been removed from my closet because it was blocking the water heater. Now there are big garbage bags full of my things all over my room. I wasn't really shocked because that just seems to be the way things go around here.

I feel like they are deliberately doing these things to make it harder for me. I don't see the point in them being in my room at all let alone emptying my closet so that the water heater is not blocked... It would have been unblocked at noon tomorrow.

Then I was told I owe them another 125.00 because when I move they will have an early cancellation fee when they shut off the internet. I'm not sure this one is worth being assertive about.

I feel that since they are the ones that asked me to move this early, they should be responsible for any fees due to early cancellation.

If I had done something terribly wrong to make them ask me to move, I would see them asking me to pay it. But there was no reason as stated by them, other than the fact that we sometimes stayed up past the 9:30 bedtime they asked us to obey when we moved in. Beyond that, my rent was always paid on time, and I did my best to stay out of their way.

It really is mutual. I don't want to be here any more than they seem to want us here.

But my feelings are hurt, and I am angry, and I know that being assertive with them would not do much good. They are very passive aggressive people. The kind that will tell you everything is fine, and then tell an embellished story to other people about you behind your back. I told them that I needed them to talk to me directly instead of doing that, but they just denied saying anything, and continued to do it.

I am glad I am leaving, but I am disappointed about having to leave like this. It really triggers MAJOR anxiety for me.

Hopefully writing it out will help a little and I can get a good nights sleep before moving tomorrow.

My Journal Sept 7th 2009

There has been a huge gap in my journal entries, because when I moved, I was too consumed with other things to pay attention to journaling.

Quick update: The day after the last entry in my journal was VERY stressful, because the lady I was going to be moving in with called me that morning, and told me that she had decided to move in with her dad so she wouldn't have to pay as much rent.

That triggered an anxiety attack. I cried and panicked for a good hour before my friend Theresa came to get me, and take me to an environment that made it easier for me to relax.

That was the first panic attack I have had in a really long time. I felt numb and tingly, and started to get the idea that I had been set up. I had already given the woman part of the first months rent. She talked me into giving her my checking account number so she could deposit it into my account, and then I suddenly realized what a horribly bad idea that was, and changed my account number.

That made things more difficult for me, because I forgot that I was getting unemployment by direct deposit.

I didn't get my payment last week, and I really really hope I didn't lose it!!

The panic attack was relatively short and mild. I remembered to use breathing techniques, and cognitive thinking skills.

While we were there, I posted an ad on Craigslist for another roommate. Shortly after I got home, I got an answer to that ad, and ended up moving a couple cities away from the one I had intended to move to.

Adjusting has been a little difficult. Sharing living space with another person is difficult. I like her. But I'm not used to things yet, and the new environment causes me anxiety. I don't know where anything is, and I haven't really had a chance to go explore my surroundings. I really won't be able to until I get some money so I can get a bus pass.

I have made the decision that since I am under so much stress, and I can feel myself fighting symptoms of depression, I will be starting my treatment plan over again for myself. It has been awhile since I have gone through it, so I think now is a good time. I will be reading the overview tomorrow morning after I get my daughter enrolled in school.

I will do my best to document my progress here in my journal.

My Journal September 8th 2009

Today started out early after a long night of fighting with Charlotte to get her to go to sleep at a decent hour. I don't think she went to sleep last night until after 2am.

Today was what would have been her first day in middle school if I had been able to enroll her before school started. I think she was a bit nervous last night, and was having an extra hard time settling down.

As it turned out, they weren't able to let her start before she was officially enrolled which they said would take them a few days. So she will be starting a bit late.

After we came back from enrolling her, I read through the plan overview as promised, and saw some things that needed to be edited. I may be doing some more editing to the entire site now that I have the "bones" laid out. One page at a time of course.

I decided to take it slow since I have so many other things to concentrate on right now. I will start day one of my treatment plan tomorrow. I feel a little more comfortable today. Reading the overview reminded me to prioritize and focus on growth rather than the chaos I am confronted by right now. If I follow the plan over the next ten days, things should fall into place for me.

My Journal September 9th 2009

Today was full of ups and downs mood wise. I feel slightly more comfortable here, but I am worried about money issues.

I started the treatment plan today.

I already have my diagnosis so I didn't need to make an appointment.

I have a list of support contacts. It made me happy when I realized I had that, because that wasn't always the case. The first three times I did the treatment plan, I didn't have three people to write down in my journal. Now I have 6 people on my list ...8 if I am desperate.

I have decided that since I no longer have medical coverage, and I have been stressing about money, now would be a good time to apply for disability. I have come to the conclusion that it would be in my best interest to do so. That way I will always be able to see a doctor if I need to, and if for some reason I have a relapse, I won't have to worry so much about it effecting my job.

Once a person get on disability opportunities to return to work with support from a case manager open up. Which I think is the reason I have hesitated so far. I was afraid of the whole "sucking off the government" stigma that goes along with being on disability.

But after talking to other people who have been on it I found out that some people who are on it actually work MORE and are put on a spend down program where the government money only supplements their income, or provides reliable health insurance.

Plus having a case manager would be another support contact.

After looking up options, I decided to go through Allsup to apply. I'll document how that goes in my journal entries. I may linger on day one for awhile... right now there is no need to rush myself. I'll decide for sure tomorrow.


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