Bipolar Diaries September 10, 2009
I am calling this page bipolar diaries as an experiment for my website. I want to see if it will rank better on Google than "my journal" did. You will be seeing more experiments like this throughout my pages.
I decided to go ahead and begin day 2 of the treatment plan. Step 1 is to list my symptoms.
I do still have some symptoms of both bipolar disorder and anxiety. Remember that there is no cure, and ongoing treatment is necessary for effective management.
I still struggle with:
Sadness and lethargy(no energy)...whenever I feel that my stability is threatened. Feelings of loneliness seem to accompany my sadness at those times as well.
This recent move was a huge trigger for me, and right now I have added financial worries..so I am feeling sad and lethargic.
Irritability....when I am busy.
I get easily overwhelmed and don't want to listen to my daughter when she has a story to tell.
Distractabilty... I seem to get easily distracted from my routine.
When someone offers to watch a late night movie or another late night activity I am not being assertive about my need to be on a set schedule. Then I am tired and irritable the next day, and don't feel like accomplishing all of my goals.
Eating excessively....mostly at night or mid-day and when I feel sad or irritable.
The thoughts I have with these symptoms are:
Sadness....I just want to go back to bed. Something bad is going to happen. When are things going to be stable? I need ______.
Lethargy.....I don't want to do that right now. UGH. Maybe I can do that tomorrow. I want to go to sleep. I'm too sore right now. I feel lazy.
Irritability....I'm not sure what my thoughts are with this..but I tend to have "inner arguments" with whoever I am irritated with as I try to get things done.. It seems like I use it as a motivator. But then I feel guilty for feeling that way.
Distractability.... again, I don't know what my thoughts and feelings are with this. It's more like either I just don't care, or I'm telling myself the whole time that I need to be on a schedule, but I never say it out loud.
Excessive eating....I need to lose weight. I will start my diet again tomorrow. This is so bad for me but it tastes soo good! I have to stop this!
All of these symptoms seem to coincide. (Happen together. All at once)
Tonight I was dealing with all of these things. But I am taking comfort in knowing that I will be focusing on solving these issues over the next few days.
Bipolar Diaries September 11, 2009
Today was kind of hard for me. I was still feeling anxiety over not receiving my check from unemployment yet, and feeling sad because I'm feeling like this transition period is just too long, and I'm not comfortable here yet. I need to seriously consider ways to make myself feel more stable.
Now is a good time because day three of the treatment plan is about exploring treatment options.
At this stage, I have pretty much explored all of the treatments for bipolar and anxiety that I need to. So I will need to choose something that will enrich my life.
I kind of already chose to do this the other day when I decided to apply for disability. Since home and financial instability are my biggest triggers right now, disability income and case management would really help me out right now.
As I said the other day, I have decided to go through Allsup to file my claim. That way I will have a better chance of getting approved.
So I spent the day looking up the information that the website said I would need in order to file a claim.
Employers for the last 10 years
banking info (checking account and routing number)
social security numbers for myself and my daughter
clinics and hospitals that I went to to get treated for bipolar, and anxiety (I still need doctor names and dates that I was seen ...but I'm going to see if Allsup can help me with that)
my diagnosis and reasons I am unable to work.... which is Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, and anxiety disorder, and that stressful situations such as typical events at any job cause me to have bipolar episodes in which I am unable to perform job duties properly or consistently.
They also asked for medications...I still have a prescription for Adivan that I am not using anymore. I may need to list that as my medication if they will not accept that I am better able to control my symptoms with ongoing therapy.
Gathering that information made me feel like I have more control of my situation. Which has worked so far to relieve some of my stress.
I did over eat tonight. I had a huge bowl of ice cream with chocolate and caramel sauce. But I can deal that later in the treatment plan. In the mean time I will just do my best to curb my sweet tooth with fruit.
I will need to see what good the title of bipolar diaries has done for me tomorrow.
Bipolar Diaries September 12th 2009
Today I took the day off for some much needed rest.
My roommate Michelle and I went over to her boyfriend's house for dinner, and we ended up playing poker.
It's a good thing we were only betting five dollars, because I lost it all! It was fun though. And tomorrow I will begin again with day 4 of the treatment plan.
Bipolar Diaries September 13th 2009
This morning I woke up sad. I'm not sure why, but I suddenly felt really lonely.
As I was trying to fight off my sadness and get ready for the day, my thoughts starting drifting to my past the way they do when I am sad and I don't know why.
I started thinking about Micheal and the way things went with him.
I began to realize some of my cognitive distortions, and where we were both equally to blame. Not so much that either of us was trying to hurt the other...at least not until things got really ugly and I sent him those texts..but that neither one of us was communicating the way that we needed to.
I realized that when I was there and he said the things that made me insecure I should have told him that I was confused. He even asked me what was on my mind, but I was unable at that moment to organize my thoughts enough to express myself. So I asked him about something that had happened before.
The assertive way to deal with that situation would have been to tell him that I was confused about what he said, and that I needed to know whether or not he was joking or serious, and if he was trying to ask me something in a round about way.
I'm really not sure if that would have solved the issue or not. And as I sat there thinking about it, and replaying the conversation in my mind I tried that scenario, and imagined him answering in the worst possible way. Which is probably why I was too afraid to ask at that moment.
I don't really know how he would have answered. But I do know that I can't let fear keep me from being assertive in situations like that in the future. My passive response led to a bad end result anyway. So I really had nothing to gain by not sharing my feelings, and asking for my need to have things clarified to be met.
By the time I got around to asking for clarification, it was too late. Which is where I have to give myself credit, because I was very assertive about asking for my needs then. Although my response to being denied was ....ummm.... aggressive.
Anyway...If I have any future relationships,(and I think I'm ready to either try again very soon, or stick to a decision to take a lone path for a few more years) I will try to be more assertive at times when it would be in my best interest to do so.
Day 4 of the treatment plan is focused on relaxation techniques. I will certainly enjoy doing them tonight. I think I am finally beginning to become more relaxed in these surroundings.
Bipolar Diaries September 14th 2009
I think I am entering a manic phase. I was unable to sleep at all last night. I was unable to focus on my relaxation techniques, and I went back to trying to "fix" old issues.
I really think this is a result of the big transition followed by feeling like my financial stability is threatened. One of my unemployment payments was lost, and I am going to be applying for an extension soon that I really hope I get because I honestly don't qualify for any position that would not cause me enough stress to start another manic cycle. I'm simply unable to handle nursing assistant work with my disorders.
I am going to continue to work on the first four days of the treatment plan. I need to find out what happened to my lost check, and I need to get the ball rolling with my disability insurance claim. My hope is that I get the extension, and that will give me enough income until either I get the disability claim settled, or I make enough money with my website to pay my rent. Long term , I hope to make enough with my website to get off of disability. But that might take awhile.
I haven't seen much difference in my rank due to my bipolar diaries experiment. Of course I haven't used the words bipolar diaries very much within this page...which would make a difference. And I don't have much reason to use the words bipolar diaries, which is why I am doing it now. :)
I will continue to focus on relaxation techniques tonight, and will continue with my bipolar diaries tomorrow.
Bipolar Diaries September 15th 2009
I didn't really sleep well last night either. Again I was unable to focus on relaxation techniques. I made an effort to remind myself at least twice to let go of my worries, but instead of letting go, I ended up getting online and dealing with the thought that I needed to promote my website on Craigslist by actually posting ads.
After that it was a little easier to fall asleep, but it was well after 2 am.
My bipolar diaries experiment has had no effect so far. My stats are the same as they were yesterday.
The day went fairly smoothly, except that Charlotte missed her bus home.
I forgot to run the dishwasher, and Michelle was visibly angry at dinner time. She started cleaning the rest of the house.
It wasn't just the dishes. There was also cat poop from the litter box under the kitchen table because the dog had gotten into it. she told me about it this morning, but I didn't realize that there was some under the table.
It feels like to much to handle, even though I know it's not. I just have to get used to being responsible for a dog sometimes. and having a dishwasher...and living with someone that wants the carpet vacuumed twice a day.. every place is different, and I feel like I have so much on my plate already with site building and promotion. It really is a full time + overtime job.
I Sent Michael a text to ask how he is doing. I'm glad I did cause we had a nice conversation.
I also talked to Sammy today. She said my site looks great. That really meant a lot to me. She suggested that I edit some of the links and capitalize some of the letters. I've actually been working on that today. We always did share a wavelength :)
I'm lingering on day four still...I want to keep focusing on relaxation until I get a good nights sleep. I will contact Allsup tomorrow.
Bipolar Diaries September 16th 2009
I had an easier time both getting to sleep and waking up this morning. Charlotte and I actually had time to go for a walk in the park before it was time for her to go to her bus stop.
I left her at her stop, and walked across the street to watch her and get some exercise on some steps that led down to the picnic area. While I was exercising, a lady representing the Jehovah's Witnesses came to talk to me and give me some literature. She asked if she could meet me at the park again, and I said yes. I am always interested in what people have to say about God. This may be a good opportunity for me to practice being assertive.
So far my bipolar diaries experiment is failing. My stats have actually dropped since yesterday. It could be because I am not using the words bipolar diary enough for the amount of words on these pages. And since that IS a requirement of good ranking, I'm not sure that bipolar diaries is a good choice, because it is hard to integrate the words bipolar diaries into a journal without forcing it like I am now.
Michelle wanted to talk when she came home about me forgetting to turn on the dishwasher. She said she felt like I wasn't doing my part. I feel like I am , but she doesn't see what I do. I'm not used to having a dishwasher and it slipped my mind. She said that if I felt like I was doing my part she didn't think we would work out as roommates.
I wanted to cry right then, but I didn't do it in front of her. I just told her that I didn't do it on purpose , and that I did empty it this morning, that I always do any dishes in the sink when I wake up, and I would do my best to remember from now on.
I did cry later when I could no longer hold it in. But she didn't see it. I don't know how she would react to me getting upset over something like that. But I needed to release what I was feeling inside.
She bought pizza tonight. I cooked them, put the left overs away and did the dishes. I feel like I am being passive, but I also feel like I need to be so that my living situation is not threatened. She said that she would never kick me out, and she really likes me, but that was not what it felt like when she said that if I felt I was doing my share we "wouldn't work out". I'm not sure how to feel safe other than just doing what I am told without fail.
On the up side, this motivates me to work even harder to make this site work, so that I can move into my own home. My goal is to make it happen in less than a year. And this time not even Imar will be there to tell me how to live.
Looks like another night of relaxation techniques will do me some good.
I don't know if naming this page bipolar diaries will have any effect on my stats , but I have decided that bipolar diaries is just too difficult to keep as a page title. Good thing this is the last entry for this page.